Parenting kids without hurtful insults
Oct. 2nd, 2011 10:53 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ahkaEvery time I hear some parent telling their child that he or she is “bad” or “I don’t love you” makes me want to lecture that parent.
We can often hear such vocabulary from our children and there is nothing wrong with that because they are little and see world in a black and white view – good or bad.
Children are often not happy with our decisions about their “independent” lives and may be angry at us for not allowing them to jump out of the window with an umbrella or take away some dangerous but interesting “toy”. Children have feelings and in these moments they truly don’t like us. It is OK, it will pass very quickly, especially if we would help our child to be heard and understood by saying: “I know, you are angry at me now, you don’t like when I do this (take away your toy for example) but I love you and I am trying to keep you away from danger.” By saying this we would confirm the feeling of the child and teach the name of the feeling, give child emotion vocabulary.
However, if an adult tells his or her child that he or she doesn’t love child or that “you are a bad boy” “bad girl” that is a serious mistake that might seriously hurt the little soul. In general, children feel if they are loved or not, however if they constantly hear from their parent that they are bad or not loved, nothing good would turn out of it.
I know just a few people who really don’t like their kids but I am not going to talk about those cases because most of the NORMAL parents love their children and wish only the best, am I wrong?
An adult can better control him or herself than child and should be aware of their vocabulary when talking with kids. I know that as parents, we often get tired and get irritated and even sometimes angrily scream at our kids or say something that we regret later on (I hope we ask our kids forgiveness for this behavior). However, we as adults should make it a goal to be responsible for our behavior and for our words regardless of being tired or irritated.
Based on the Dr. Albert Ellis’ concept, no one should call anyone “bad,” not a child and nor a parent and NO ONE!!! Let me explain. All kids and all people are initially good, however, sometimes they choose to do something bad (for some reason that would be good to figure out) and focus must be on the behavior that must be corrected and not on insulting scar leaving names like stupid, bad boy, bad girl, idiot, etc…
If a parent would tell misbehaving child: “You are such a good boy and so well mannered” Lift the status up from the beginning. “This behavior does not fit your nature…” Clearly explain what was done bad and explain what must be done instead that is good. This would sound not as insulting for the little and tender soul of your child plus will give the goal for positive change.
For example, your adorable daughter got hang of a permanent marker and drew on the wall or even worse, on a new very expensive couch from Ethan Ellen (drew a zebra on it). You are in shock, what to do? Make a long and deep breath first. Than with a loving voice tell her: “You are such a smart and well behaved girl, such wonderful girls don’t draw on the wall/furniture, they always draw only on paper! Where do such wonderful girls draw?” She will answer, “On a piece of paper.” It is preferable that you would give her a piece of paper and will stop leaving permanent markers, scissors, paints, or other objects for her to play without your close supervision, not to cause further frustrations for yourselves.
This method works with kids of any age and even with adults and the earlier we begin using it and teaching our kids this type of communication with focus on the behavior instead of scar leaving insults or name calling the better for all of us.
Also, it is easier to get a grip of being on top (being good) rather than climbing up (from being bad to becoming good). Let’s put our kids on top from the beginning and give them an opportunity to stand strong there rather than helping them climb up (believe me they wouldn’t want to climb up).
Children in general like attention and like to please us if we really pay attention on their good efforts. It is SUPER IMPORTANT to pay attention when it is quite at home and they are quietly busy with something good. Instead of looking for undesirable behavior and critiquing them, it is better to pay more attention to the good to promote more good.
There are some parents that think that their child is a robot that must listen and do everything this parent says and wants in one second. This type of thinking is NOT REALISTIC even with adults.
What do you think about these communication techniques?
PS. In regards to drawing someplace else and not on paper. First of all, when we gave our 1st child crayons and paper for the first time we told him that he can draw only on paper. Later, it really helped my kids to explain that if they would draw on paper, we can take it over their grandparents, hang on the wall anywhere they want but if they draw on the wall or furniture, no one will be able to see it plus mom and dad would be very upset and will spend time and money on cleaning it up instead of playing with them or buying toys.
Читать на русском языке
We can often hear such vocabulary from our children and there is nothing wrong with that because they are little and see world in a black and white view – good or bad.
Children are often not happy with our decisions about their “independent” lives and may be angry at us for not allowing them to jump out of the window with an umbrella or take away some dangerous but interesting “toy”. Children have feelings and in these moments they truly don’t like us. It is OK, it will pass very quickly, especially if we would help our child to be heard and understood by saying: “I know, you are angry at me now, you don’t like when I do this (take away your toy for example) but I love you and I am trying to keep you away from danger.” By saying this we would confirm the feeling of the child and teach the name of the feeling, give child emotion vocabulary.
However, if an adult tells his or her child that he or she doesn’t love child or that “you are a bad boy” “bad girl” that is a serious mistake that might seriously hurt the little soul. In general, children feel if they are loved or not, however if they constantly hear from their parent that they are bad or not loved, nothing good would turn out of it.
I know just a few people who really don’t like their kids but I am not going to talk about those cases because most of the NORMAL parents love their children and wish only the best, am I wrong?
An adult can better control him or herself than child and should be aware of their vocabulary when talking with kids. I know that as parents, we often get tired and get irritated and even sometimes angrily scream at our kids or say something that we regret later on (I hope we ask our kids forgiveness for this behavior). However, we as adults should make it a goal to be responsible for our behavior and for our words regardless of being tired or irritated.
Based on the Dr. Albert Ellis’ concept, no one should call anyone “bad,” not a child and nor a parent and NO ONE!!! Let me explain. All kids and all people are initially good, however, sometimes they choose to do something bad (for some reason that would be good to figure out) and focus must be on the behavior that must be corrected and not on insulting scar leaving names like stupid, bad boy, bad girl, idiot, etc…
If a parent would tell misbehaving child: “You are such a good boy and so well mannered” Lift the status up from the beginning. “This behavior does not fit your nature…” Clearly explain what was done bad and explain what must be done instead that is good. This would sound not as insulting for the little and tender soul of your child plus will give the goal for positive change.
For example, your adorable daughter got hang of a permanent marker and drew on the wall or even worse, on a new very expensive couch from Ethan Ellen (drew a zebra on it). You are in shock, what to do? Make a long and deep breath first. Than with a loving voice tell her: “You are such a smart and well behaved girl, such wonderful girls don’t draw on the wall/furniture, they always draw only on paper! Where do such wonderful girls draw?” She will answer, “On a piece of paper.” It is preferable that you would give her a piece of paper and will stop leaving permanent markers, scissors, paints, or other objects for her to play without your close supervision, not to cause further frustrations for yourselves.
This method works with kids of any age and even with adults and the earlier we begin using it and teaching our kids this type of communication with focus on the behavior instead of scar leaving insults or name calling the better for all of us.
Also, it is easier to get a grip of being on top (being good) rather than climbing up (from being bad to becoming good). Let’s put our kids on top from the beginning and give them an opportunity to stand strong there rather than helping them climb up (believe me they wouldn’t want to climb up).
Children in general like attention and like to please us if we really pay attention on their good efforts. It is SUPER IMPORTANT to pay attention when it is quite at home and they are quietly busy with something good. Instead of looking for undesirable behavior and critiquing them, it is better to pay more attention to the good to promote more good.
There are some parents that think that their child is a robot that must listen and do everything this parent says and wants in one second. This type of thinking is NOT REALISTIC even with adults.
What do you think about these communication techniques?
PS. In regards to drawing someplace else and not on paper. First of all, when we gave our 1st child crayons and paper for the first time we told him that he can draw only on paper. Later, it really helped my kids to explain that if they would draw on paper, we can take it over their grandparents, hang on the wall anywhere they want but if they draw on the wall or furniture, no one will be able to see it plus mom and dad would be very upset and will spend time and money on cleaning it up instead of playing with them or buying toys.
Читать на русском языке
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no subject
Date: 2011-10-03 12:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-10-03 02:23 pm (UTC)Но ты знаешь? для Американцев это не так поучительно, так как Альберт Еллис и его работы уже десятки лет как вошли в обиход и это не звучит чем-то новым.
Теория это одно, а вот на практике это не всегда легко.