Reflection on the year of Torah study

[ahka]

It has been one year since we started to study Torah with Masha.  I look forward to our weekly meetings and read my Chumash beyond our weekly chapters.  As Masha again explained to us, she is giving us explanation of Torah from Rashi and Ramban and other Torah scholars that are acceptable by the orthodox religious Jews using midrashes and quotes Rabbis Goldberger, Frank, Gitik, and Polonsky.  Some things are not yet easy to understand, but this is our first time reading and understanding. 

The other day, Masha asked us if we are using the information learned from Torah in our daily lives.  Lena and I both said that of course.  I did not let Lena talk about herself and jumped in telling about my proposal to present at the conference that was related to the ideas of what we are learning since I just submitted it that day.  I really wanted to hear about Lena’s response but we moved on and I feel bad about jumping ahead and not letting her to say anything.

Of course, this was very selfish that I shared my little story and didn't let Lena.  I feel bad about it still.
 

Well, I submitted proposal and now need to prepare for the presentation but the meaning behind it is that I am growing.  I am evaluating myself again and again.  I am making myself to get out of my comfort zone, to grow and share my experience with others, mainly my children, my clients, friends and my co-workers.

I am a quite and reserved person and don’t really like to present to large groups.  I prefer working 1 on 1 with clients.  I have been accumulating so much information both from Torah and other scientific theoretical and practical sources, it is time for me to get it out and spread the word with hope that it would help someone.

Studying Torah is helping me sort out amongst right and wrong or question things.

I used to ask G-d for forgiveness in my private prayers and I was questioning myself, what did I do wrong to ask for forgiveness? I had no answer.   Now, I started to get the answer to this question and can see that I am no Saint.

It helps me see things in more objective way then I used to.  I use this to confront myself and my clients. 

I was born and raised with a lot of good values that Torah teaches us and went through the phase of compromising those values and experiencing the other side.  

I was raised with absolute value for not stealing anything, not hurting anyone or anything (not by word or action), not talking bad about people, helping those who needed help, being  loyal friend, being hospitable and give guests the best, do not whine, do not show pain, respect everyone, do not judge others, share and be generous, not to be selfish, be modest, develop self-discipline, get education and continue to grow as individual.  I never dreamed of material things, in fact I still think that money and things are burden and not a luxury as many people believe.   I have been blessed with everything that I need and even more!  Thanks G-d!  I appreciate it!

All these things were obvious to me as I was growing up.  However, at some time in my early 20^th these values started to fade and I started to break some of these rules as I was influenced by people around me.  In fact, I felt lonely with my values.  There were not too many people outside of my family that shared these values with me.  After a while, I realized what I did and started slowly coming back and make these values stronger again.

Studying Torah now is again underlining these values and gives me more to hold on stronger.  It taught me that I am given choices and good choices always involve passing difficult tests that would help grow.  It helps evaluate my everyday interactions with my family and other people and better my relationships. What I am trying, is to be authentic in everything that I do.  That’s how I evaluate my actions and thoughts.  Am I fooling myself or somebody else with my words or actions?  Or is it really me?

I am often embarrassed about being rewarded for something.  That’s probably one reason I am not going forward for having private practice.  I can’t charge people money for helping them. 

Rabbis teach us that in this world we are doing our work to be rewarded in the next world, if we deserve.   I am not sure that I am doing anything to be rewarded.  Well, the best reward for me is for people around me to be well.  I say it without any hidden thoughts, it is true.

Then Why am I trying to be better person? Why do I want to grow?  Why do I want to help people?  Why am I studying Torah? Why?  Isn’t it natural for humans to try to better ourselves?  Isn’t it our life purpose?

Some of the lectures are here.